When I die - my final wishes

No one likes to think about their own eventual death. However, given all the surgeries that I have had and all the time that I have been in the hospital I have had plenty of time to plan for my eventual (and hopefully long off) death.

I have a legally binding Will and medical power of attorney. Additionally, I have planned out my funeral and what to do with my body. 

The only thing that I have not done yet is write my own obituary. That seems like a step to far, even for me. 

Everything is in both English and Spanish. 

I have done all of this because I do not want my loved ones to agonize more over my wishes when I am gone.

Euthanasia is legal here in Spain thank God. However, I have always said that I would never request it unless I get diagnosed with altheimer's disease or another similar disease where I will slowly lose my mental faculties.

I am willing to fight through anything else as long as I have breath in my body. However, I do want to become a burden for my family and slowly waste away. 

At my funeral, I want friends in low places by Garth Brooks played. That has always been my favorite song. I also want everyone to wear festive clothing, black is so drab and depressing. 

I also have what I want written on my headstone but Jenny informed me that due to lack of space, here in Spain you can only get a burial plot for 30 years then they dig you up and give your plot to someone else. 

Since I will be cremated, I decided to put what I was going to write on my headstone, on the urn my ashes will go in. I want it to be inscribed with "Here is a man who got all he ever wanted". 

I want to donate my body to science before I am cremated so hopefully they can learn something. Additionally, I am an organ donor. I want to be cremated as cheaply as possible. I will be dead, no need to spend a ton of money right at the end. 

I have had some health issues as of late but I still consider myself very lucky and I have amazing family and friends. I am very thankful for all of them. I hope to have many more years left with them.

That is all I wanted to say for now. Even if you don't agree with all of my decisions thank you for taking the time to read this. I wrote this blog post to inform everyone and to have another written record of my final wishes. 

My new YouTube channel

I also thought that I should mention that I started a new YouTube channel for people who want to learn English.

I plan on releasing three YouTube shorts (videos of one minute or less) a week, Monday through Wednesday and a long format video every Thursday. 

I use an artificial voice from Google to convert my text to speech and I use chat gpt to make my scripts. It allows me to do the only thing I have ever been any good at, albeit in a new and different way. 

If I get really lucky and manage to get at least 1000 subscribers and 4000 viewing hours then I will start earning money from my YouTube channel. This will be in addition to my podcast. 

Check me out at DjathEnglish on YouTube. Take care, Tyler 

My new podcast

I have some big news to report to you dear readers. I am starting a podcast using my real voice for speaking practice.

I have created a new website, www.talkingtotyler.blogspot.com where I will post a link to my YouTube channel where I will be uploading the podcasts.

My YouTube channel is called Talking To Tyler

I decided to have make the podcast in conversational style with my friends and family. I ask them ten questions and they ask me ten questions in return. 

I will be uploading one new episode every month. There are a few seconds of silence on my first recording, but the audio does start. I hope you enjoy this experiment with me. 

That is basically all. I just wanted to let you know. Take care. I hope you enjoy my new podcast. - Tyler 

That time I broke my hand

I had never broken a bone until I was 38 years old. Even though I have had a ton of surgeries, I managed to make it 38 years without breaking a bone.

However, I fell down while using my stand up walker and when I went to brace myself with my hand, I ended up breaking two bones in my hand. 

I also cut my forehead and bled like a stuck pig. I had to have ten stitches in my head. 

I am all better now and hopefully I don't break anything else. I did have to get a cast, and I was unable to swim with it. Now I have full range of motion in my hand. 

Because I broke my hand back home in the United States, my insurance didn't cover that fall and it ended up being extremely expensive. I just thought I would let you know. Til next time, Tyler 

How we are choosing to raise our daughter

When Jenny was pregnant with Eliana, we had a lot of discussions about how we were going to raise her. Even though Jenny is more politically conservative than I am, surprisingly we agreed on all the foundational stuff.

Every parent can choose how they want to raise their child. We have chosen to raise Eliana with the following rules. 

We agreed that she will not get an internet enabled phone until at least age 12, she will have minimal daily screen time, she will always try and be kind and polite to everyone and mind her manners and she will learn she can come to us and trust us for anything.

We want her to follow the golden rule, treat others how you want to be treated. Basically, we just want her to be a good person and leave this world a better place than she found it. So far I think we have done a pretty good job. She is smart, kind, polite, empathetic, loyal and loving. 

That is all I wanted to say, Tyler 

Day to Day Life

My daily life is honestly pretty boring. I am not currently working (even though I am currently trying to find a job) so I spend every day doing exercise, speech and physical therapy and working on my YouTube channel. More on that later. Then I come home and eat dinner then the next day I do it all over again. 

Sometimes on the weekend, we go out with my in laws. My life may seem boring to some but, I am pretty happy. 

But honestly, a boring life is better than no life at all. I have a wife and daughter who love me and great in laws. Not to mention my amazing family and friends. 

I am a lucky guy who has had some health issues but I trying hard to get back to normal and give my wife and daughter the breaks they so deserve.

I have food in my stomach and a roof over my head. 

That is really all I wanted to say. I am thankful for the good times, the boring times and the bad times.

Take care, Tyler 

Story Time with Eliana

Last night I tried to tell Eliana a true story from my personal life. However, I quickly realized that she is still a little bit young for true stories.

She was frustrated that there were no big, bad wolves in my story haha. I will now tell you the story I tried telling her. 

When I was about 8 years old, my aunt Bunny and Uncle Mike took me to Carlsbad Caverns which I believe are in New Mexico if I am not wrong.

The guide told everyone in our tour group to lick a certain rock. There were between 20—40 people. The guide warned us if we didn't lick the rock that we would have 7 years of bad luck.

Everyone in our group chose to lick the rock. I however, thought it was disgusting. My aunt and uncle begged me to lick it, as did the tour guide. 

I stuck to my guns though and I never licked the rock. I will be darned, but I truly believe that I did have 7 years of bad luck because of choosing to not lick that rock.

That's it for now, Tyler 

Therisa

I don't speak about this often because it has been almost nine years and sometimes this subject is very painful for me. I had a dream last night though and I want to remember this dream so I am blogging it for my memory and also sharing it with all of you.

On September 13^th 2003 one of my best friends was killed in a car crash. Her name was Therisa Schmidt. We dated on and off in middle school and high school, shared a school locker together and just had your pretty typical teenage relationship. What I didn't realise at the time was just how much I really cared for her. I never found out the depth of my feelings for her until she had already died. She was not killed by a drunk driver or under the influence of any drugs. It was just a really bad accident. This made it all the much harder because I had no one to “blame”. Along with her two other people were killed in the car. The other two I didn't know that well but Therisa I sure did.

After she died I went through all the cycles of grief. I was in disbelief that something like this could happen to a beautiful, amazing 17 year old girl. She was near the top of our high school class and so smart! She had so much to offer and always a smile on her face. When you met her you just knew that she was one of those people who was going to make a difference in this world. I was so angry that she was stolen away from us. Angry at God,angry at the other driver involved, I just hated everything. Eventually though, the anger subsided and I realised that holding onto all that anger was not going to bring her back. Then I just really deeply, deeply missed her and wondered why it had to happen.

I was always looking for that “magic bullet” answer that would help me understand it all. Finally, after all that came the acceptance. I just realised that I was never going to know why she died. She just died and was not coming back. I really took comfort in that fact that she was in a much better place though. I took comfort in the fact that we had some amazing memories together and she had a great 17 years even though they were all too short. I still miss her all the time but I can look back fondly and remember the good times and not the bad times. There are some things I remember about the day she died I wish I could forget but I can't. Overall though 99% of my memories of her are happy ones. I think it really says a lot about a person and their character that they can still affect your life almost 9 years later.

The reason I am even writing this today is because two days ago would have been her 26^th birthday so I have been thinking about her a lot. What kind of person would she have become? What would she have done with her life? Would we still be in contact? I like to think so. Well right after she died I was having dreams about her very frequently. Some good and some not so good. These dreams would just not leave me, I have one personal regret involving her that I would dream about quite frequently. Just a lost opportunity. I had the chance to do something great with her and of course at the time I had no idea that we were going to lose her at 17 years old so I passed on it. If I could go back in time to any point in time it would be that night. I would change my stupid 17 year old mind and say yes instead of no.

Well eventually the dreams stopped coming. All the dreams except for one. For 9 years now, roughly about every six months I have the following dream: I am walking down the street and I see Therisa in front of me. She cannot see me but I know without a doubt it is her. I watch her for a minute and start to call out to her. She seems to hear me and starts to turn around, I am very excited because I will get to see her again and talk with her. But, before she can turn all the way around I wake up. I always wake up before we can reconnect. When I wake from the dream I am always left with a sense of profound happiness and peace for her but sadness for me that we cannot reconnect. It is always the same.

Well I woke up on the morning of June 16^th 2012 and after almost 9 years of her being gone I had another dream. My dream was that I was with her and we were dancing. I was holding her and we were talking. I was telling her how much I missed her. She told me also how much she missed me. For some reason she has her face buried in my shoulder. So once again I can't see her face. Even after all this time though, I remember almost every detail of her face and what it felt like to hug her. After a while I told her to excuse me please because I had to go to the bathroom. After the song ended we stopped dancing and I left for the bathroom. Once I was in there I started crying. I cried not because I was sad but because I was happy that after all this time we have got to hold each other once again.

Then I woke up. When I woke up I felt really happy to have this dream. Not sad, sad that she is still gone yes. But, happy that she is in a better place and I still have good memories of her.

For me this is deeply personal and I realise that reading this may not be everyone's cup of tea. I really wanted to remember this dream though, and I always told you my readers, that I was going to blog the good,the bad and the ugly. This is definitely a departure from my normal blogs but now you know a little something about a subject that has deeply affected and changed my life for the past 9 years and counting.

Happy late 26^th birthday Therisa. You are gone but never ever forgotten.

Tyler

Heaven

I will put a TLDR at the bottom.

Hi, I am firmly agnostic with slight theist beliefs( I believe there is likely some kind of intelligent designer but I have no idea who or what he/she/it is and i'm OK with that)

That being said, I had a super weird dream about Heaven last night. I am not here to debate if Heaven exists or not. I just came here basically to write my dream down so I won't forget it. It is just so odd because I was not particularly thinking about Heaven before bed.

My dream started off with my wife and I dying in a plane crash (terrible right!) (I am going to be real nervous on our next plane ride haha) but we were killed instantly when the plane crashed into a mountain. Well we arrived to Heaven and were let in. It was the most beautiful lake you can imagine. Then we were transported underwater (yet we could breathe and talk just like in the Atlantis or Aquaman movies)

My wife and I were met by an Angel who looked like a regular person except he was really shiny. I asked him if we were dead and in Heaven. He said yes. I did not see any God or Jesus figures. I did see my dead grandparents (but didn't get to speak to them)

My wife and I were then transported back to earth (but still dead so no one could see us or speak to us) I was transported alone to my childhood home where my parents,brothers and uncle (without his wife or kids) were at home my parents were their current ages (late 60´s) I was there but they couldn't see me or speak to me.

This implies that my wife and I will die in a plane crash in the next few months or years (because my parents were still alive and their current ages) hopefully we don't die lol. The weirdest thing of all is that I was split off from my wife when I went to go visit my family (I assume in my dream she was sent to go see her family)

 We have an 8 month old little girl whom I love more than anything in this world but she never appeared at all in my dream even though she is a huge part of my life.

My dream ended shortly after and that was it. I rarely remember my dreams but I remembered everything about this one. It was just so strange and I had to come here and write it out. Thanks for reading. Its crazy what our brains come up with sometimes.

TLDR: I am agnostic but I had a very vivid dream about dying in a plane crash and going to Heaven with my wife. 

Religion

Growing up, I was pretty religious. I was raised Southern Baptist and I grew up believing all the typical Christian beliefs. However, everything changed for me when Therisa died. I was only 18 but I just couldn't understand how or why a loving God would allow her to be taken so young.

I grew to dispise the hypocrascy of organized religion. I flirted with atheism but realized it was not a good fit for me. I have had too many amazing things happen to me to completely deny the existence of God.

It took me many years of searching and battling within myself, but I finally found contentment in agnostism. Basically, I can't prove scientifically whether God exists or not and I am OK with having no solid proof. 

I someone put a gun to my head and forced me to choose, I would choose that God exists. However, I have no solid proof of that. I have struggled with faith because it requires that you believe without having solid evidence. 

My solution is not perfect but I am content and believe in being a good person and trying to do good things and hopefully I will make it into Heaven. 

Something to be thankful for

I wanted to write this to let you know how thankful I am for the little things like a supportive family and friends group.

You may not be aware of this, but back when I was much sicker and unable to take care of myself, we were at the point of putting me into what amounts to an adult daycare center where there are professionals who take care of you. 

What they do not provide is intensive therapy and rehab. So how you enter there is basically how you will stay. It is hard to make any progress. 

However, luckily I got to a point where we decided intensive therapy and rehab was the way to go. I am still not fully independent but I am making progress slowly but surely. Every small step forward is one step closer to returning to normality. 

I am very thankful for the help provided by my family and friends. I couldn't do this without you. I know one day, sooner or later I will be back to normal life again. I am slowly but surely beating this. Even if it takes me 4 more years, that is a blink of an eye in my total life span hopefully.

That's it for now, Tyler 

My anniversary of being out of the hospital

I recently decided that today is my two year anniversary of being released from the hospital. I honestly don't remember the exact date, so today is as good a day as any.

I have made slow, small progress but it's progress nonetheless. I am grateful for everyone and everything in my life. 

My speech is improving slowly but surely as is my balance and I am no longer on a liquid diet. I still need thickener in my liquids to prevent liquid from going straight to my lungs but honestly it is not so bad. It doesn't taste great but there are worse things out there. 

I can shower and dress myself and prepare my own food despite having limited mobility. I can enjoy being with my wife and daughter. 

I am a lucky guy and I am thankful for everything I can still do and continue to do.

That's all for now, Tyler 

Thoughts about each country I have lived in

Now that I am back to blogging regularly I thought that I would share with you the overall experiences I had in each country that I have lived in. I will try to go in chronological order starting with Australia the first place I lived that was not the USA. 

Australia was a nice place for a young kid to start living away from home. They spoke English and were very friendly. I still have some good friends there. The biggest downside was that it was expensive and far away from home. 

Next, I moved to New Zealand. Again, everyone was very nice and it was very beautiful but it was also expensive and far from home.

After that, I moved to Colombia where I met Jenny and spent the next 8 wonderful years. I still have many close friends there and honestly I don't know if I would have ever left but Jenny wanted to be closer to her family in Spain.

Colombia is a great place if you don't have kids but raising children there is expensive and the education and health care aren't the best not to mention the security issues and petty theft. 

After Colombia, we made a pit stop in China for two years (Jenny a little less) overall I enjoyed my life there and I loved the chance to go cashless and pay for everything via the phone. However, the pollution and overcrowding sucks not to mention the strict government control. If I had to do it all over again I would try Singapore instead.

After China, we made the move to Spain. I got sick shortly afterwards, but we are happy here close to my in laws and childcare. The government takes good care of you. You do pay more in taxes but Healthcare and education are paid for by the government. So, you receive a lot of benefits from the higher taxes you pay. 

The education system is good, security is good and Healthcare is also good. The life style is overall relaxing and we are happy here and not planning on moving anytime soon. 

The biggest downside is that I am far away from my family and friends. However, I knew that when I married Jenny. It was not a surprise. Luckily, my family and friends can come visit us any time or vis versa. 

That's it for now, Tyler 

Random Thoughts

Now that I am back to actively blogging more, I wanted to share some random thoughts with you. I enjoy this blog because I can express myself through the written word and I don't have to speak which I currently struggle with.

Now on to the blog. I am turning 40 this year and my brother's are turning 37 and 30. My parents will be turning 70 and Eliana 4.

It amazes me how fast time flies. Some days I feel 39,some days I feel 18 and others I feel 99. My body doesn't always respond to my brain. But I am slowly but surely getting back to normal life.

I am truly a lucky man to have a wife and daughter who love me and family and friends who do too. 

Just remember, none of us know how long we have and we will all die eventually, so make every day count.

That is really all I wanted to say. Short and sweet. 

Take care, Tyler 

A big thank you

I figured it was high time I thanked everyone who helped me when I was sick and I continues to do so. I couldn't do this without my friends and family being supportive financially and otherwise. I am truly a lucky person.

I want to especially single out Jenny, Eliana, my in laws and my parents and brothers. They have all been amazingly supportive throughout it all. 

Firstly, Jenny was 8 months pregnant when I got sick and I cannot imagine having to go through labor and delivery and having to deal with me being sick. She is the strongest person I know.

Secondly, my mom saw me at my worst when I was down to 112 lbs, on a liquid diet, wearing adult diapers because I couldn't control my bladder and I was having enemas and a cathater. Yet she stayed strong throughout it all.

My dad was my personal trainer while I was home in Texas. He was a huge help getting me into tip top shape. We went to the gym 5 days a week and I had a personal trainer named Michael. Between him and the stationary bike and swimming (until I fell down and broke my hand) I was in the best shape of my life. I felt 18 again.

My in laws have been amazingly supportive throughout all of this. Ferrying me to and from the doctor whenever I have appointments and taking care of Eliana. I am very lucky to have them. 

Eliana has also been great. She throws tantrums like any normal 3 year old. However, she is always eager to help me anytime I need it and she doesn't treat me any different than any able bodied father. I love her more than I can say and having her was the best thing I have ever done. 

I also want to thank all of the doctors and nurses and anyone who took care of me while I was sick. It has been a huge blessing that Spain has socialized medicine so I am not stuck paying medical bills for the rest of my life. I know they gave me the best care they could and for that I am thankful. 

I also want to thank my brother in law and two sister in laws. They have all been incredibly helpful with everything and I am very thankful for their support. 

I guess that's it for now, Tyler 

Current life goals

I wanted to update you dear readers on my current life goals. Goal number one is to be walking and talking normally again. It may seem simple but I can assure you that it is not. It is something that I used to take for granted but no longer.

Walking and talking normally really are miraculous. Secondly, I want to start working and being able to take care of my family financially so even if I have to do it from home. 

Thirdly, I want to give Jenny and Eliana the lives they deserve and I want to be the best husband and father that I can be. Both Jenny and Eliana have given me unconditional love and support (as have my family and friends) and I want to give some of that back. 

I am blessed and lucky beyond belief despite my physical challenges. I wouldn't change anything even if I could. Everything happens for a reason.

 I am very grateful to see another day and if I am lucky, I will have many more to come. However, even if I don't, I am thankful for the life I have already had. 

General Family Update

I realized that I have recently given you dear readers a general health update but I failed to mention my family! I want to rectify that.

First off, Eliana is 3 going on 30 haha. She is ready to be a teenager even though I am not ready yet. She is growing like a weed and recently got her own princess bed. No more kicking me at night.

Additionally, she loves her school, Teacher and classmates. This is great news because she will be there until she turns 18 haha.

She has been a great help to me with my limited mobility. She is kind and patient and she treats me like a normal bodied person. She throws her tantrums like any typical 3 year old but overall I love my daughter to pieces. 

She is completely spoiled rotten by her grandparents as she is the only biological grand child on either side. 

I am extremely lucky to have great in laws who help us anytime we need it and they have put up with a lot these past 4 years with my health stuff. 

My parents have also been amazing even though we don't get to see them as much as I would like due to the distance. They recently retired and moved to a lakeside cabin in the middle of nowhere. The perfect place for them to spend their retirement. They are living close to some friends so I am happy for them. 

Jenny is working hard and doing well as can be expected under the circumstances. She has put up with a lot over the past 4 years and I am luckier than I deserve to still have her by my side. She took in sickness and in health literally. There is no one who I would rather have by my side. I can't wait for the day I return to normal life and I can finally be the husband and father that I want to be, living a normal life. 

My brother's are also doing well and staying busy. I have been lucky to have their support. My grandmother (my dad's mom) is 88 and still going strong. I hope for a lot longer. She remembers all of the important dates in our lives and luckily we will get home this summer with Eliana to see her. She loves all of her kids, grand kids and great grand kids. We are lucky to have her.

I guess that is all for now. Take care, Tyler 

General health update

I figured it was time I gave everyone a general update on my health and progress. I will start by taking you through my health issues then I will share my progress with you. 

So it all started 4 years ago. I had recently arrived to Spain directly from China. Shortly after that, the valve that drains my excess brain fluid into my stomach failed. It had lasted 35 years but no longer.

I started having headaches and vomiting due to the increasing pressure on my brain. So I went to the hospital here in Pamplona. They initially tried to repair my old valve but it was too old to be saved.

So I ended up having 6 brain surgeries in Pamplona. But none were successful. I had one of my 4 ventricles in my brain block off. This necessitated a surgery to implant a stent on my brain to try and restore flow to the ventricle that blocked off. 

Due to the blocked ventricle, my left eye went crooked and I lost all my peripheral vision in the left eye. I was also on a total liquid diet at the time due to my facial paralysis (due to my shunt failure) I ended up losing weight until I was down to 112 lbs/52 kg.

The stent surgery failed. It was at this time they transferred me to Barcelona where they had more shunt experience. It was there that they removed all the previous hardware and implemented a second shunt. 

These two shunts have a technology that allows them to talk to each other so they avoid the previous problem I had with one shunt working and the other not. So now they work together instead of fighting against each other. 

I ended up having 6 additional brain surgeries in Barcelona bringing my total brain surgeries to 12. If you include my surgeries as I child I have now had 29 total surgeries.

After 6 months in and out of the hospital I was finally released to go home. I started going to speech therapy (my speech has been affected by the facial paralysis) and physical therapy 4 days a week trying to regain my balance. I can walk but not well. I use a walker or wheelchair to get around. But I am not paralyzed thank God.

I need thickener added to my liquids due to my swallowing being affected. But I can eat normally. No more liquid diet!

So none of this is ideal, I have lost a lot of my independence but I can shower normally and dress myself and do most things. So my condition is not perfect but it could be much worse. I am a lucky guy and I know with time and effort I will only continue to improve not get steadily worse. 

I have one more operation to go to correct my crooked left eye but it should be a piece of cake compared to what I have already been through. I have also regained all of the weight I lost in the hospital. 

I am also very lucky that Spain has good socialized medicine so I don't have to spend the rest of my life paying off medical bills. 

The most frustrating thing by far about my current condition is that my mind is healing faster than my body is. So, sometimes my brain will send a simple command to my body and it will not respond. It is frustrating having to relearn to walk and talk. They are simple things that I took for granted. But no longer. Your brain controls a ton of things that you do not even think about until you lose the ability to do them. I look forward to the day I will be independent again. 

So overall, I am happy and doing well. I am lucky to have supportive family and friends. Thank you all. I am also thankful every day for Jenny and Eliana. I love them both. 

March update

I figured that I would blog and let all of my dear readers know how I am doing. Health wise I am still stable and staying out of the hospital thank God. I still struggle with balance issues so I rely on a wheelchair or walker to get around. Everything else is coming together slowly but surely. My speech is still not perfect but it is improving with daily practice.

Eliana is growing like a weed and Jenny is working hard and treating me better than I deserve. I am a lucky guy. So overall, things are not perfect but they are headed in the right direction. 

Til next time, Tyler 

The doctors will operate on Monday

Edit: I wrote this initially in 2021 but I accidently saved it as a draft instead of publishing it. I apologize for the error and I have no surgeries planned for 2024 other than an eye surgury to correct and straighten my crooked left eye. 

So the plan is for me to have the brain surgery I detailed in another blog post on Monday. They have cancelled this surgery twice already so I'll believe when they actually have me on the table.

Obviously every brain surgery has risks and I'm not thrilled about this but as long as the doctors are more than 50% confident they will be successful, I want them to go ahead and try.

Why? Because this is my one shot at returning to a normal quality of life where I can work, take care of my family, walk, talk and eat normally.

If this surgery is not successful then they will put everything back the way it is now but that means that I'll have to come into the hospital 4 or 5 weeks out of the year for the rest of my life to be adjusted. I won't be able to work or live normally.

So needless to say, I am accepting the risks and I want this (hopefully) final surgery to work. 

Worst case scenario is that I die. That would be truly unfortunate for my family and friends. But I'm OK with that risk. The second worst outcome is that I will lose my memory, or my ability to walk, talk or eat. Honestly that would be worse than death for me. But I accept this risk also.

Now, if everything goes according to plan, they will fix me and I'll be back to normal in a week or so. I'm really hoping for this outcome. 

If you are the thoughts and prayers type of person, I want you to send them to my doctors. Give them steady hands and the wisdom to do everything they need to do.

I am looking forward to getting my life back and having many more years with my wife and daughter. I love them to the moon and back and I want nothing more than to be a normal husband and father.