A Reason for Joy

I wanted to write this specifically to express my joy at being alive. My life is hard with all of my physical and health challenges. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. However, despite all of my challenges, I have so many things to be thankful for and grateful for in my life.

I have an amazing wife and daughter and my parents and brother's also. Not to mention, my extended family and friends. Along with all of Jenny's family as well. I am far, far luckier than I deserve. 

During this trip, I have grown closer to God, after many years of not being close to Him. I have changed my mentality about being stuck with brain damage and being unable to improve. I have been able to restore my motivation and excitement for life. I am laughing again and being social. 

Life prior to this trip was like watching TV on a black and white TV set. It was viewable but not good. Life now is like watching TV on a full HD TV in 1080p with surround sound. It is truly a night and day difference. I am truly living again. I am excited to see every new day and I am not just existing. 

I will likely never return fully to normal. I will have to continue working out for the rest of my life in order to prevent my brain from going dormant again. However, I can do anything that is realistic, that I set my mind to. It will take me double or triple the time and effort that it would take the average person. However, I can do it. 

I was practicing a certain balance exercise. I failed consistently for 29 days in a row. It really beat me up mentally to think that I would fail yet again. However, I didn't give up on it. On day 30, I successfully did the exercise which I had failed to do 29 days in a row.

I only have to have patience with myself and I have to be strict with myself. I don't have the luxury to take many days off in a row, otherwise my brain will go dormant again. I also have to force my body to do what I want. I don't have the luxury of begging or pleading or politely asking my body to cooperate with me. I have to commend it just like a drill sargent. It doesn't work forever and not all the time. However, it does work for me.

I wouldn't change anything that has happened to me because I have learned an important life lesson from every hardship. I am a lucky guy and grateful for every day that I remain above ground. I am not paralyzed thank God or in a coma. I am in much better shape than some other people. 

Til next time, Tyler 

An Update on the Girl's Visit

So I figured I'd better update you dear readers on the Girl's visit. I was lucky enough to have both my wife and daughter Eliana Valentina arrive here in Texas safely (from our home in Pamplona Spain). They arrived in one piece, on the night of June 18th, after a one hour flight from Pamplona to Madrid then another ten hour flight from Madrid to Dallas.

Since their arrival, we have swam in the lake, drove the golf cart, seen Nana and other relatives once (we will be seeing them again). We have also seen a live play in the local theatre, which was more geared towards adults. Eliana Valentina did not enjoy it much. In addition, we have seen a live performance of The Lion King, which she loved. 

We have also taken her to the local rodeo which she again loved. Mostly because she got to chase after the calf with a ribbon tied on its tail. She was so excited that she ran out with the kids who were six to twelve years old rather than her assigned group of five years old and under. She ended up getting separated from my mom and Jenny. However, she is so smart, she immediately went to a police officer and explained to him that she was lost. He helpfully pointed out to her how to make it back to me safely which she did thank God. However, he didn't even bother to personally escort her!

Additionally, I have a friend who has a working farm in Kaufman, Texas. I have not seen her in person since 1999. It will be good to catch up with her after all of these years. I am only trying to decide how to sum up half of my life into one afternoon chat. 

We are planning on taking her to see Toy Story 5 and The Minions Movie. Additionally, we will be celebrating the 4th of July here in Saint Jo Texas. We will be visiting my mom's younger brother Richard and his family in Athens, Texas. We will also be seeing Nana and everyone else again in Sulphur Springs. I am sure that there are other plans which I am forgetting. 

We have come to the conclusion that my daughter Eliana Valentina is having a great time so far but she is not a big fan of eating a snow cone. I don't know who is having more fun, her or my parents. 

Til next time, Tyler 

A Change Within Me

I have touched on this before, but I felt that it was worth repeating. My whole life I haven't ever had long term determination. Because of all of my various health issues, when something would get hard for me, my automatic response was just to think that it was impossible for me and I would give up. I would be initially very motivated but as soon as I would hit any resistance, I would immediately declare it impossible and give up.

That is until recently though. With my exercising and my brain training, both have been extremely hard. My body and my mind have not always cooperated with me. Everything is slower and I have to do many things multiple times before I can master it. Nothing is easy or automatic for me anymore. 

However, I have recently been finding my inner determination. I no longer quit immediately when it gets hard. Everything for me takes more time and effort. The exciting thing though, is so far, every goal that I realistically set for myself, I have been able to achieve even if it takes me longer and more effort than a person without a brain injury. 

I have learned to be patient with myself both physically and mentally. There is a big difference between something being hard and something being literally impossible to do. 

My family and friends are skeptical. Based on my prior track record of giving up, they have every right to be. However, this time I can say with confidence that I am going to prove them all wrong and prove to myself that my past doesn't need to define my future. 

I like to say that I was living my life at a 5/10. It was not great, but it was bearable. Because of various external reasons out of my control, and my own mentality, once I got to a 5/10, I said this is good enough. I didn't want to face any hardship, until recently I would have quit immediately. 

However, recently I have decided that I don't want to live my life at 5/10. It will be hard to get better. I will have to continue working hard for the rest of my life. I may never get to a 10/10. However, I can say with confidence, that I am no longer interested in accepting life at a 5/10,even if it is a long, hard journey to get myself better. 

I always remember that I am working on improving myself not only for myself, but for my wife and daughter. They both deserve a chance to have a normal life and not always care for me. It would be very selfish of me to give up. I don't want to settle for just average when I can do better, not only for myself but for them. I didn't ask for any of this. However, they certainly did not either. I am lucky to be alive and have the wonderful family and friends that I have. I will not waste this second chance I have been given in life.

Til next time, Tyler 

An Overview - Looking Back

I was inspired to write this because even though I am only 41, I have no idea how much time that I have left on this earth. My life has had many up's and down's. However, I don't think that I would change anything even if I could. Because I have learned something from everything, the good and the bad.

My life started off hard. I was born three months premature. I developed both hydrocephalus and epilepsy. In addition to having a blockage in my throat, preventing me from breathing normally. I had various other medical problems as well. The doctor's didn't give my parents much hope for me.

Somehow, I made it. My life was never easy but it was fairly normal given my rough start to life. When I was 24 years old I decided to move to Australia for a year and then move back home to Texas. Well, that was seventeen years ago (as of 2026) and I still have not moved back home.

I have lived and worked in seven different countries. I have had the privilege of visiting 47 different countries (as of 2026). I hope to be able to visit many more before I leave this world. Currently, I live in Pamplona Spain with my Colombian/Spanish wife and our wonderful daughter Eliana Valentina.

If someone had told me that my life would turn out this way, I would have said that they were crazy. I managed to become an English as a second language teacher (not something that I planned on or expected). However, I fell in love with it and realized that I was actually good at it. 

Then, in 2020 I had a failure of my original vp shunt. After 12 brain surgeries, I was left with a TBI (traumatic brain injury). I had six years of very little recovery. I was left with limited mobility and speech issues due to facial paralysis. My life changed forever.

Now, in 2026 I have finally started making progress again. My depression has lifted and my motivation has been restored. My life is hard, nothing is easy or automatic for me anymore. However, life is absolutely worth living. I am excited to see what the future holds.

I do have brain damage but both my mind and my body are slowly but surely responding. I look forward to everyday now. I can't wait to wake up and be able to spend more time with my family and friends. 

I have no idea how much time that I have left. However, if I was to die tomorrow, then my last thought would be "I have really had a great life despite my challenges". I have been very lucky to amazingly supportive parents who have given me every chance to succeed in life. They refused to believe the doctor's worst-case prognosis for me. I will be forever grateful to them for never giving up on me. 

Til next time, Tyler 

The Girls are Coming!

I don't have much to say but I am very excited to see both my beautiful wife, Jenny Andrea Mojica Amaya and my wonderful daughter Eliana Valentina Horton Mojica tomorrow night. They will be coming to Texas for 3.5 weeks.

We have a ton of fun things planned for Eliana and we are going to see my last remaining grandmother plus a ton of other family and friends. We will also be having a party for Jenny and Eliana at the end of June. We have a lot of surprises in store for Eliana Valentina.

I am looking forward not only to telling them about my progress but showing them through my actions. For many years after all of this happened, I was not only clinically depressed but I was without hope and motivation due to a combination of what the doctor's told me about my likely future progress and the lack of dopamine in my brain (that is the chemical that gives you motivation, reward, drive and happiness). I wasn't motivated to do anything to improve myself because the doctor's said that I would never improve. 

Because I wasn't motivated to do anything to improve my situation, it only deteriorated further. It was a big vicious cycle. However, both my brain and my body are responding. Everything is slower and harder now. I have to try harder multiple times to do things that most people can do automatically and take for granted. 

I am finally free of my prison of depression,hopelessness, dispair, lack of purpose and lack of motivation. It feels so good to to be living again and not just existing. I can know with confidence that while I will have to continue being relentless in my exercises, in order for my brain not to go dormant again, that I have purpose on this earth and I am no longer living like a burden on everyone around me.

Til next time, Tyler 

The Pons Device

I am very doubtful that I have any people who read this blog currently suffering from a tbi (traumatic brain injury). However, I was recently reading The Brain's Way of Healing itself by Dr Norman Doidge

In the book, he references a medical device used to reset your vestibular system (the way your brain interacts with your eyes and ears to balance yourself. This treatment is currently only authorized in the US when it is done by licensed professionals in a clinical environment. 

However, I found out that it is potentially available to me in Pamplona. If I qualify for the treatment that is. The way it works is, you insert the device into your mouth. Then, it sends painless electrical pulses to your brain thereby rewiring your vestibular system and by extension, your ability to balance yourself. 

I cannot wait to try this out and hopefully it will work out for me. I am ready to get my life back. Medical science is truly amazing. I have included all the details on the device below, on the off chance that it will be helpful to anyone else. 

PoNS Therapy (Portable Neuromodulation Stimulator) is available to patients in the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex. However, because it is an intensive 14-week protocol requiring specialized, prescription-only coordination between a certified clinician and the patient, local options generally fall into direct neurological clinics, manufacturer assistance, and alternative advanced neuromodulation facilities.

The primary pathways to access or evaluate PoNS Therapy and advanced neurorehabilitation in the DFW area include the following providers:

1. Direct Inquiry via Helius Medical Technologies (PoNS Manufacturer)

The most efficient, accurate way to pinpoint a certified physical therapist who can facilitate the daily PoNS therapeutic protocol is through the manufacturer's network. Helius officially designates the Dallas area as an active treatment zone.

 * **The Process:** They maintain a direct line for patient onboarding in North Texas. You or your doctor can call **1-877-564-0008** to find local physical therapy clinics currently certified to distribute the device and run the 14-week balance/gait rehabilitation routine.

2. PONS of Texas (Dallas Office)

A multidisciplinary practice dedicated to cutting-edge neurological, orthopedic, and spine care.

 * **The Approach:** PONS of Texas focuses heavily on traumatic brain injury (TBI) treatment, advanced cognitive therapy, and non-invasive neuromodulation. They provide integrated care models designed to restore mobility, making them a specialized local asset for investigating tongue-based and magnetic nerve stimulation therapies.

 * **Contact:** You can reach their local branch at **214-619-8755**.

3. Brain Treatment Center Dallas

For individuals seeking advanced, non-invasive brain injury recovery who want to explore all neuromodulation options alongside or instead of translingual (tongue) stimulation, this specialty facility is a highly regarded alternative.

 * **The Approach:** They focus on MeRT (Magnetic e-Resonance Therapy), which uses customized quantitative EEGs to map the brain and gentle magnetic pulses (rTMS) to rebuild damaged or disrupted neural pathways. It is widely utilized off-label for traumatic brain injury and concussion recovery.

 * **Address:** 7001 Preston Rd #404, Dallas, TX 75205

### Key Requirements for DFW Patients

If you are pursuing PoNS specifically, keep the following prerequisites in mind:

 * **Prescription Required:** You cannot purchase the device directly. A neurologist, physical medicine and rehabilitation (PM&R) physician, or primary doctor must write a prescription.

 * **The "Adjunct" Factor:** In the United States, PoNS is explicitly indicated as an adjunct to a supervised therapeutic exercise program. You will spend the first two weeks heavily in-clinic with a DFW-based certified physical therapist to learn the breathing and balance tracking, before transitioning to a heavy at-home structure for the remaining 12 weeks.

The **PoNS device** (short for **Portable Neuromodulation Stimulator**) is an innovative, non-invasive medical device designed to help treat chronic balance and walking (gait) deficits. Manufactured by Helius Medical Technologies, it is used specifically as an add-on to intensive physical therapy.

Here is a breakdown of how it works, what it treats, and what the experience is like.

How It Works: Translingual Neurostimulation (TLNS)

The PoNS device works on the principle of **neuroplasticity**—the brain’s ability to rewire itself and form new neural pathways after an injury or illness. What makes the PoNS device unique is that it works through the **tongue**.

 

1. **The Setup:** The device consists of a controller worn around the neck and a T-shaped mouthpiece containing a matrix of tiny electrodes that rests on the top of the tongue.

 2. **Nerve Stimulation:** When turned on, the mouthpiece sends mild, painless electrical impulses to the tongue. This stimulates two major cranial nerves: the **trigeminal nerve** (CN V) and the **facial nerve** (CN VII).

 3. **Targeting the Brain:** These nerves send a rapid stream of signals directly into the brainstem and the cerebellum (the brain's movement control center).

 4. **The Physical Therapy Catalyst:** While the brain is being primed by these electrical signals, the patient performs targeted physical therapy exercises. The combination of the nerve stimulation and active physical movement helps the brain "rewire" around damaged areas, improving balance and gait.

 **What does it feel like?** Patients generally describe the electrical stimulation on the tongue as a tingling or buzzing sensation, often comparing it to the feeling of popping champagne bubbles or drinking a carbonated beverage.

What is it Used For?

The PoNS device is a **prescription-only** device intended for adults (typically 22 and older). It is approved for use alongside a supervised therapeutic exercise program to treat:

 * **Multiple Sclerosis (MS):** To improve walking impairments in patients with mild-to-moderate MS symptoms.

 * **Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI):** To treat chronic balance deficits resulting from mild-to-moderate TBI or concussions.

 * **Stroke:** Used in some regions to help rehabilitate walking and movement impairments following a stroke.

 The PoNS Therapy Program

The PoNS device is not a standalone cure and is not meant to be used indefinitely. Instead, it is integrated into a strict, **14-week intensive rehabilitation program**:

 * **In-Clinic & At-Home:** The first few weeks usually involve heavily supervised sessions with a certified physical therapist. Once trained, the patient continues the exercises and device use at home.

 * **Daily Commitment:** A typical schedule requires two multi-exercise sessions per day (morning and afternoon) combining gait and balance training while wearing the device, followed by a shorter breathing/relaxation session in the evening.

 * **Progress Tracking:** The controller logs usage data, which physical therapists can review to track compliance and progress.

## Contraindications and Safety

Because it uses electrical currents, the PoNS device is not safe for everyone. It should **not** be used by individuals who:

 * Have active or suspected malignant tumors.

 * Have pacemakers or other implanted electronic devices.

 * Are pregnant.

 * Have open wounds, recent bleeding, or a lack of normal sensation in the mouth.

 * Have a known sensitivity or allergy to the metals used in the mouthpiece (such as copper, gold, or nickel).

Til next time, Tyler 

A Change in my Mindset

I don't mean to keep rehashing this. However, I am so excited about my progress that I can't stop thinking about it. I fee like jumping for joy. I wanted to write this out because I was inspired to tell all of you dear readers, the recent change in my mindset. As I have previously mentioned, I was told by multiple experts that I had two years to recover from my brain surgeries and whatever recovery that I could achieve in that time is what I could expect for the rest of my life. 

I will be honest with you, while I did have lower levels of dopamine in my brain, which affected my motivation, reward, drive and happiness, I just expected my body to heal itself with no input or effort from me. I did a lot of sleeping and I rarely did anything which would stress me out or force my brain to rewire itself. 

I was making slow, small progress. So, I had no reason to doubt what the experts told me. I don't blame them. They were only telling me what they were doing and told in medical school. I had just accepted that I would always have limited mobility and speech issues and be dependent on others for my basic needs.

That is until I returned home to Texas on January 27th, 2026. I had been told by the vast majority of my doctor's that my window for recovery was closed. I only had been given the faintest of hope by one private neurosurgeon and then had it confirmed by the neurosurgeon who saved my life. However, I still had not made any changes physically or mentally.

Fast forward to me agreeing with Jenny and my parents, to come back home and focus on my recovery until the end of August. I wanted to get as close as possible to normal life as I could in order to take the burden off of everyone around me, even if I never fully returned to normal again. I owed it to myself and to them to keep trying. 

When I first started walking with my mom, five days a week (using my walker) it was hard and I tired easily. However, I did not give up like I would have done in the past. It eventually got easier and more natural. I am glad that I didn't give up. Same story going to the gym with my dad, six days a week. I started out doing only 15 to 20 minutes of exercise daily before becoming exhausted. However, eventually it got easier and more natural. I worked up to exercising one to two hours a day. Everything started coming together between my brain and my limbs. When I first started working out on the elliptical machine, I struggled mightily to get through a half mile (0.85km)in 33 minutes (one round of exercise on the elliptical machine). I thought to myself I would never get 33 minutes of "good time". However, I eventually did get it. I struggled and it was hard but I didn't give up like I would have done in the past. I have learned that there is a big difference between something that is impossible and something that is possible but hard. I am glad that I didn't give up and I was able to reach my potential.

My life is not easy but it is absolutely worth living now. I would not wish this upon my worst enemy. I still have mobility issues and speech issues and I may always have them to some degree. I know now that I will have to stay active five to six days a week for the rest of my natural life. It is not easy or something which I enjoy. However, the alternative is to lose all of the progress that I have worked so hard for and let my brain go dormant again. I refuse to let that happen. The hard work and effort will be worth it in the end. As an added benefit, intense exercise releases a chemical in your brain which scientists have nicknamed "fertilizer" for your brain. It repairs damaged neural pathways and protects against mental decline. Not to mention, it will keep me generally healthy for longer. I will take those benefits. 

When I was in the midst of my depression, things got really bad for a while. I lost all motivation to do anything. I never considered killing myself but it got so bad at one point that I didn't care if I lived or died. I only opened my eyes because it was an automatic response from my body. Even after I made it through the worst of my clinical depression, I still didn't feel like I had purpose in my life. I was just existing. I had accepted my limitations in life and thought that there was nothing I could do to change it. 

That was until I came back home to Texas in January and I madee the proactive choice to take control of my life and recovery. Now, I am eager to wake up every day. I am excited to live life again. I was able to have normal human emotions again I get happy, sad, angry, frustrated, stressed, nervous and more. It is not something that I will ever take for granted. I have a loving family and friends and a beautiful wife and daughter who I love and will get to watch grow. I have so many things to look forward to. Of course I wish that none of this ever happened. But it did and I can't change it. I have learned so much from this journey with my health and I am honestly grateful for everything that has happened to me. Things could be much worse than they are. 

Til next time, Tyler 

The Best Books That I Have Ever Read

I wanted to write this down to spread the word about the best book that I have ever read. I always loved reading, as a kid I would devour books. I loved how they would transport you to a new world. I remember as a kid reading for eight hours straight in the car on our way to Orange, Texas to visit my grandparents (mom's parents). Sadly I developed car sickness as an adult and I can no longer read in the car. 

I also remember devouring books as a kid, reading in the summer reading program in order to earn free tickets to the state fair of Texas for my family and I. There is not much that I enjoy more than holding a good book in your hands and smelling the pages. Reading digitally is OK. It does save weight and trees. However, it just doesn't feel the same.

After I had all of my brain surgeries, I lost my ability to read anything for an extended period of time. It was too much for me to concentrate on mentally. When I went through my depression, I lost all interest in reading. That was until around 2024. I suddenly found the joy that I once had in reading had again returned thankfully.

Now onto the reason why I wrote this blog. The first book which impacted me so greatly is Factfulness-Reasons-World-Things-Better it is an amazingly interesting and inspiring book about how things are better globally than you think. This was always my favorite book for years. Also, Picking Cotton is a very inspiring read. It is about a woman who misidentifies her rapist. An innocent man spends over thirty years in prison. He eventually gets released via DNA evidence which showed that he was innocent. His accuser (the woman whose eye witness testimony put him in prison) eventually become friends after he is released. They now tour together and talk about forgiveness. It was a powerful read. 

That is until I was recently given a copy of The Brain's Way of Healing by my uncle Richard (mom's younger brother). Reading this book has literally changed my life. It has given me so much hope and good, useful information to help me with my recovery. There is a lot of stuff in the book which I considered hippie, new age stuff like the mental visualization technique. However, I can personally say that I am no longer skeptical. It really works!

The book which I linked to above, is actually his second book. My next read is going to be his first book The Brain That Changes Itself I am looking forward to it. This neurosurgeon, Dr. Norman Doidge has done a great deal of research and a great service by writing all of this down to help out tbi patients.

Finally, I wish to recommend The Glucose Revolution. It was given to me again by my uncle Richard (he has a talent for finding helpful books). In the book the author describes how to regulate your blood glucose levels. That is the hormone in your body which controls your appetite, energy levels, weight gain and sleep among many other things. 

She does advocate cutting out artificial sugar where possible. Also cutting out the ultra processed fake chemically processed foods. In addition, she advocates not radically changing your diet but eating a savory breakfast instead of a sweet one (thereby avoiding a glucose spike and crash). Also, not really changing what you eat but changing the order that you eat it in. Not everyone can do this, because it requires you to eat one thing at a time. However, I love it. You must first eat anything green or veggies that you have. Second, you go for your protein, third, you eat your starches, lastly you go for bread and dessert. I lost eight pounds of stubborn belly fat almost immediately after trying this method. Additionally, I sleep better and have more energy throughout the day. 

That's all for now, Tyler 

A Major Breakthrough

I wanted to write a blog post about this so that I never forget this day. Today, June 9th, 2026 something happened to me which I thought of as an impossibility only a short time ago. As I have previously mentioned, very few doctors in Spain gave me any hope for major, long term recovery. They told me that my two year recovery window was closed and that I would not make any further major progress on my recovery.

I had resigned myself to the fact that I would always have limited mobility and speech issues due to facial paralysis. My life was not ideal. I was making such slow, small progress that I had no reason to doubt the experts. I don't blame them for what they told me. They didn't want to give me hope for no reason. They were only telling me what they learned in medical school. 

However, back in 2025 a private neurologist explained to me the concept of brain plasticity. The idea that you can rewire your brain and force it to relearn skills that you have lost, even years or decades later. My neurosurgeon agreed with him. The key thing to focus on is repetitively doing the thing you want to relearn day in and day out. You have to be relentless. I would be lying to you if I told you that it was easy. 

Anyway, after this encounter in 2025 I had a faint glimmer of hope that maybe I was not going to be a prisoner of my health problems forever and I didn't have to be a useless burden on my family and friends. 

However, at this point in time nothing really changed for me. I had more hope for my future but I wasn't doing anything different to make changes. That is until January 27th, 2026. Jenny, Myself and my parents decided to have me come back home to Texas until the end of August. 

I decided to go all in on trying to get as close as possible to normal life again. I started working out with my dad six days a week, starting out for only 20 minutes daily (I am up to two hours daily now). Additionally, I am walking an hour a day, five days a week with my mom (using a combination of my walker with forearm support, a traditional walker and a low mobility bike called the Alinker).

I have also been doing daily brain training exercises via an app on my phone, to work on my short term memory issues. This is separate from the memory training that I do online, three times a week (provided by the Texas Workforce Commission). 

Lastly, I am doing stationary lunges, bridges, sit to stand exercises and heel to toe exercises to work on my balance issues. I am also standing in place unsupported. I have started doing daily stretches to try and get rid of my rigidity. Additionally, I am sitting outside in the sun and fresh air for 20 minutes daily, doing exercises try to to heal my optical nerves. Last but not least I am doing red light therapy trying to get my vestibular system (the connection between your eyes, ears and brain to help you with balance) working correctly again. 

In addition to all of my exercises, I was given a book by my uncle Richard (my mom's younger brother) entitled The Way the Brain Heals Itself by Dr. Norman Doidge. The book describes a lot of things that you can do to heal yourself after suffering from a tbi (traumatic brain injury). The book goes on to describe a mental visualization technique in which you visualize the outcome that you want to achieve. You don't just say "I want everything to work for me". You must command your body to cooperate with you. You have to focus on each individual part of your body and you can do a one - two counting system. 

I dismissed all of this as hippie mumbo jumbo. However, I decided that I had nothing to lose by trying it. I can honestly say that I have been proven wrong. It really works! I am a believer now and no longer skeptical. 

Now onto the whole reason why I wrote this blog post. When I first started out on the elliptical machine, I struggled mightily. My arms and legs would lock up constantly. I struggled to get through just a half of a mile (0.85 km) in 33 minutes (the time of one full exercise cycle on the elliptical machine). However, I slowly started to improve. I remember the first time I did a full lap in 2:25 I cried like a baby because for that brief amount of time, I was able to feel normal again for the first time in six years. I got faster and faster and I could go much longer in total distance. However, I made the mistake of equating my progress with my speed and total distance. However, I had a mental reset. I realized that I was going really fast and far but my form was terrible. My brain was not talking to my limbs. 

So, I decided to slow down and stop obsessing over my speed and total distance. I focused on getting my brain to synchronize with my arms and legs. Well, slowly but surely I got more and more "good time". That is where my brain synchronized correctly with my limbs. At first, it would only happen for a minute or two and then my body would go back to not cooperating. 

I started ordering my body to work for me. Not begging and pleading for it to work. I would order it and not give myself the option of failure. I eventually got up to 29 minutes of "good time" (out of 33 minutes). Well, today I got a full 33 minutes of "good time". When I first started this journey, thinking about ever getting a full 33 minutes of "good time" felt like looking up at the summit of Mt. Everest from the bottom. I want to remember this day forever. 

I am so happy that my brain is active again. I will have to continue working hard, exercising six days a week for the rest of my natural life. It won't be easy. I don't enjoy it. However, it will keep me generally healthy and protect me against mental decline. I don't ever expect to get back to 100% normal but I owe to myself and everyone around me to keep trying. The effort will be worth the sacrifices. 

Til next time, Tyler 

A Special Anniversary

While today is not any special day, I started writing this blog on November 4th, 2009. I have kept it up for seventeen years and counting now. Throughout living and working in seven different countries and marrying a Colombian/Spanish dual citizen. We now have a five year old daughter who is going on twenty five. I live in Pamplona Spain.

If you would have told me seventeen years ago that my life would have turned out this way, I would have said that you were crazy. I only planned to move to Australia for a year and then return home to Texas. I have gone through many ups and downs. I have written a lot and a little, but always continued to write through it all. I have kept on writing for so many years because I enjoy preserving my memories no matter how mundane and trivial they may seem. I have a hope that one day long after I am gone, that Eliana will get enjoyment out of reading about my life. 

I have had some serious health issues since 2020. Yet, I am still here. My life is not easy but I am making serious progress after six years of stagnation. There is still hope for me. I have to continue exercising and working hard both mentally and physically six days a week, in order to prevent my brain from going dormant again. Life is worth living again. I am motivated to get better, even if I never get back to normal life. I am doing this not only for myself but for everyone around me. I am no longer a passive prisoner of my health conditions. Everyone around me doesn't deserve to be prisoners of my health conditions either. If no one around me has given up on me, I can't give up on myself either. 

Til next time, Tyler 

A Beautiful Mind

I was just thinking today about my mind. When I was in the depths of my depression, I was completely numb emotionally. Nothing excited me or made me sad, happy or angry. I lost all of my motivation and only opened my eyes because it was an automatic reflex from my body.

However, now that I am off the antidepressant, I am getting back normal human emotions. I am starting to laugh again, feel sadness, anger, annoyance and joy. It is so nice to have made it through to the other side.

I am one of the lucky ones. Being put on the antidepressant, first restored my motivation and then it restored my ability to have normal human emotions. I never got to the point where I wanted to kill myself (although I did get to the point where I didn't even care whether I lived or died). Some people have the antidepressant do the opposite of what it is supposed to do. It can restore people's motivation, before it restores their emotional balance. So, in effect they get motivated enough to actually kill themselves. Luckily, for me, it was always to much effort to actually kill myself. 

I am also finally dreaming again. I recently dreamed about being in a Baskin and Robbins ice cream shop. I went to use my debit card to pay for the ice cream. The machine was thinking about my purchase. It didn't reject my payment for an invalid pin number, nor did it successfully complete my payment. During the time that I was waiting, my dad entered the ice cream store with a shotgun and said that he was there to kill an armadillo. Then, all of the customers ran out of the store. I woke up before I received my ice cream. 

Additionally, on the elliptical machine I have to use so much mental brain power to focus on my exercise. I have to use my mental power to visualize everything, command my body, do my one-two counting (to help synchronize my arms and legs) and focus on everything else. 

However, recently I have been able to put my brain on auto pilot and still do the exercise. It is such a relief to be able to do the exercise without focusing so hard on the actual exercise. I am finally able to let my mind wander. The best way that I can explain this is to think of my mind as a pressure cooker, which cooks via steam and pressure. The pressure gets released when you release the pressure valve. I feel like finally I am getting to the point where I can release the pressure valve of my mind. I no longer have to use all of my mental energy to synchronize my arms and legs.

The only other thing which I wanted to mention, involving my mind is my short term memory, processing speed, mental math skills and just general retention.  My long term memory oddly seems to be unaffected. Additionally, my ability to speak and understand Spanish seems to be unaffected, luckily. My mental math skills were always terrible even prior to all of this. However, for the first time in my life I am actively trying to improve my mental math skills and they do seem to be improving. 

I am doing brain training sessions three times a week online via the Texas Workforce Commission. I enjoy my sessions and my trainers. They challenge me to use my memory in different ways which I normally would not. Additionally, I am using a brain training application on my phone called Elevate. It has a variety of different games to play which are fun and engaging. They work on all of the skills that I work on in my brain training with the Texas Workforce Commission. 

Because they are fun and engaging, it doesn't feel like training even though it is. As I previously mentioned, I have avoided working on my mental math skills for my whole life. However, this application forces me to do it and it really seems to be helpful. I am currently number one on the weekly points ladder (in terms of overall usage and completion rates). 

Additionally, I am doing five minutes of red light therapy daily. It might not seem like much but because of my shunts, I don't want the heat to affect anything. I honestly don't notice any difference yet but in all of my reading, I have read nothing but good things about red light therapy for people with tbi's. It can't hurt, only help me. It is supposed to improve all of the skills that I am working on in my other brain training. 

I stopped reading because it was too much of a struggle for me to concentrate on reading. However, now I have fallen back in love with reading. It is such a joy, that I will never take for granted. I am so grateful to myself and everyone in my life for supporting me through this journey. I feel like even though life is much harder than before, it is worth living again. I am super happy that even though I will likely never fully return to normal, I can give everyone around me a chance to live life without having to constantly focus on me. 

Things will likely never go back to being easy and automatic for me like they were before 2020. I will have to continue to work hard both physically and mentally for the rest of my life. However, my brain and body are finally waking up again. I have to force them to do so, but they are responding. I must keep at it in order not to lose my progress and have my brain go dormant again. 

I must always remember that I am doing all of this effort, not only for myself and my general health (physical exercise has been proven to release chemicals in your brain which help you avoid mental decline). I am also doing this for my family, Jenny's family, my extended family and my friends. Because I know that there is a huge difference between centering all of their lives around my care or just lightly helping me. I did not ask for any of this. I would not wish any of this on my worst enemy. 

However, none of the people in my life deserve to be prisoners of my health conditions, not when I am in control of my recovery and I have the power to improve my life. You can't choosing everything in life, you can only play with the cards that you are dealt. Luckily for me, there is still hope for a better future and life is still worth living. I am blessed beyond measure and I don't think that I would change anything even if I could. Going through all of this journey for the past six years has taught me so much. If you have made it this far, I thank you and I love you. I am forever grateful for your continued support. 

Til next time, Tyler 

My Future

I wanted to give you my dear readers, a brief look into my future. This has been a long, hard, slow road to recovery for the past six years. I would not wish any of this on my worst enemy. I have gone through periods of stagnation, where I have lost all hope for recovery. This can be blamed 80% on the lack of dopamine in my brain. That is the chemical that gives you motivation, reward, drive and happiness. However, as much as I like to hear that there is a scientific explanation for my lack of motivation, I have to accept 20% of the responsibility for my (now former) lack of progress. 

It has taken me six long years. However, I now understand that my brain is reawakening. I must continue exercising six days a week for the rest of my life, in order to not allow my brain to go back to being dormant again. I don't enjoy all this effort. However, I know now that I have to keep doing repetitive exercises in order to retrain my brain. I never again want to allow my brain to go dormant for lack of trying on my part. 

There are worse things in the world than exercising six days a week.  I have the added benefits of staying healthier for longer and exercise has been proven to help fight mental decline. So, I can't argue with that. At least my brain is reawakening and I am not paralyzed thank God or in a coma. I may never be able to walk fully unassisted again. However, I don't know the limits of my recovery yet and I owe it to myself and everyone around me to try as hard as possible for as long as possible, to get as close as possible to normal life as possible. The only thing that I know for sure is that I have not yet reached the limits of my progress. 

Thank you for supporting me through six long years and not giving up on me even when I gave up on myself. Realizing all of this six years later, isn't ideal. I wasted a lot of time. However, I can't change the past, only the future. It is better late than never. I don't expect to ever be able to walk again fully unassisted but I will be thrilled if I can get to using only a cane. To accomplish this goal, I am practicing using a traditional walker (without forearm support). In addition, I am practicing using my Alinker mobility bike. 

That is all for now, Tyler