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Saturday, April 27, 2024

Story Time with Eliana

Last night I tried to tell Eliana a true story from my personal life. However, I quickly realized that she is still a little bit young for true stories.

She was frustrated that there were no big, bad wolves in my story haha. I will now tell you the story I tried telling her. 

When I was about 8 years old, my aunt Bunny and Uncle Mike took me to Carlsbad Caverns which I believe are in New Mexico if I am not wrong.

The guide told everyone in our tour group to lick a certain rock. There were between 20—40 people. The guide warned us if we didn't lick the rock that we would have 7 years of bad luck.

Everyone in our group chose to lick the rock. I however, thought it was disgusting. My aunt and uncle begged me to lick it, as did the tour guide. 

I stuck to my guns though and I never licked the rock. I will be darned, but I truly believe that I did have 7 years of bad luck because of choosing to not lick that rock.

That's it for now, Tyler 

Sunday, April 21, 2024

Therisa


I don't speak about this often because it has been almost nine years and sometimes this subject is very painful for me. I had a dream last night though and I want to remember this dream so I am blogging it for my memory and also sharing it with all of you.

On September 13th 2003 one of my best friends was killed in a car crash. Her name was Therisa Schmidt. We dated on and off in middle school and high school, shared a school locker together and just had your pretty typical teenage relationship. What I didn't realise at the time was just how much I really cared for her. I never found out the depth of my feelings for her until she had already died. She was not killed by a drunk driver or under the influence of any drugs. It was just a really bad accident. This made it all the much harder because I had no one to “blame”. Along with her two other people were killed in the car. The other two I didn't know that well but Therisa I sure did.

After she died I went through all the cycles of grief. I was in disbelief that something like this could happen to a beautiful, amazing 17 year old girl. She was near the top of our high school class and so smart! She had so much to offer and always a smile on her face. When you met her you just knew that she was one of those people who was going to make a difference in this world. I was so angry that she was stolen away from us. Angry at God,angry at the other driver involved, I just hated everything. Eventually though, the anger subsided and I realised that holding onto all that anger was not going to bring her back. Then I just really deeply, deeply missed her and wondered why it had to happen.

I was always looking for that “magic bullet” answer that would help me understand it all. Finally, after all that came the acceptance. I just realised that I was never going to know why she died. She just died and was not coming back. I really took comfort in that fact that she was in a much better place though. I took comfort in the fact that we had some amazing memories together and she had a great 17 years even though they were all too short. I still miss her all the time but I can look back fondly and remember the good times and not the bad times. There are some things I remember about the day she died I wish I could forget but I can't. Overall though 99% of my memories of her are happy ones. I think it really says a lot about a person and their character that they can still affect your life almost 9 years later.

The reason I am even writing this today is because two days ago would have been her 26th birthday so I have been thinking about her a lot. What kind of person would she have become? What would she have done with her life? Would we still be in contact? I like to think so. Well right after she died I was having dreams about her very frequently. Some good and some not so good. These dreams would just not leave me, I have one personal regret involving her that I would dream about quite frequently. Just a lost opportunity. I had the chance to do something great with her and of course at the time I had no idea that we were going to lose her at 17 years old so I passed on it. If I could go back in time to any point in time it would be that night. I would change my stupid 17 year old mind and say yes instead of no.

Well eventually the dreams stopped coming. All the dreams except for one. For 9 years now, roughly about every six months I have the following dream: I am walking down the street and I see Therisa in front of me. She cannot see me but I know without a doubt it is her. I watch her for a minute and start to call out to her. She seems to hear me and starts to turn around, I am very excited because I will get to see her again and talk with her. But, before she can turn all the way around I wake up. I always wake up before we can reconnect. When I wake from the dream I am always left with a sense of profound happiness and peace for her but sadness for me that we cannot reconnect. It is always the same.

Well I woke up on the morning of June 16th 2012 and after almost 9 years of her being gone I had another dream. My dream was that I was with her and we were dancing. I was holding her and we were talking. I was telling her how much I missed her. She told me also how much she missed me. For some reason she has her face buried in my shoulder. So once again I can't see her face. Even after all this time though, I remember almost every detail of her face and what it felt like to hug her. After a while I told her to excuse me please because I had to go to the bathroom. After the song ended we stopped dancing and I left for the bathroom. Once I was in there I started crying. I cried not because I was sad but because I was happy that after all this time we have got to hold each other once again.

Then I woke up. When I woke up I felt really happy to have this dream. Not sad, sad that she is still gone yes. But, happy that she is in a better place and I still have good memories of her.

For me this is deeply personal and I realise that reading this may not be everyone's cup of tea. I really wanted to remember this dream though, and I always told you my readers, that I was going to blog the good,the bad and the ugly. This is definitely a departure from my normal blogs but now you know a little something about a subject that has deeply affected and changed my life for the past 9 years and counting.

Happy late 26th birthday Therisa. You are gone but never ever forgotten.

Tyler

Heaven

I will put a TLDR at the bottom.

Hi, I am firmly agnostic with slight theist beliefs( I believe there is likely some kind of intelligent designer but I have no idea who or what he/she/it is and i'm OK with that)

That being said, I had a super weird dream about Heaven last night. I am not here to debate if Heaven exists or not. I just came here basically to write my dream down so I won't forget it. It is just so odd because I was not particularly thinking about Heaven before bed.

My dream started off with my wife and I dying in a plane crash (terrible right!) (I am going to be real nervous on our next plane ride haha) but we were killed instantly when the plane crashed into a mountain. Well we arrived to Heaven and were let in. It was the most beautiful lake you can imagine. Then we were transported underwater (yet we could breathe and talk just like in the Atlantis or Aquaman movies)

My wife and I were met by an Angel who looked like a regular person except he was really shiny. I asked him if we were dead and in Heaven. He said yes. I did not see any God or Jesus figures. I did see my dead grandparents (but didn't get to speak to them)

My wife and I were then transported back to earth (but still dead so no one could see us or speak to us) I was transported alone to my childhood home where my parents,brothers and uncle (without his wife or kids) were at home my parents were their current ages (late 60´s) I was there but they couldn't see me or speak to me.

This implies that my wife and I will die in a plane crash in the next few months or years (because my parents were still alive and their current ages) hopefully we don't die lol. The weirdest thing of all is that I was split off from my wife when I went to go visit my family (I assume in my dream she was sent to go see her family)

 We have an 8 month old little girl whom I love more than anything in this world but she never appeared at all in my dream even though she is a huge part of my life.

My dream ended shortly after and that was it. I rarely remember my dreams but I remembered everything about this one. It was just so strange and I had to come here and write it out. Thanks for reading. Its crazy what our brains come up with sometimes.

TLDR: I am agnostic but I had a very vivid dream about dying in a plane crash and going to Heaven with my wife. 

Religion

Growing up, I was pretty religious. I was raised Southern Baptist and I grew up believing all the typical Christian beliefs. However, everything changed for me when Therisa died. I was only 18 but I just couldn't understand how or why a loving God would allow her to be taken so young.

I grew to dispise the hypocrascy of organized religion. I flirted with atheism but realized it was not a good fit for me. I have had too many amazing things happen to me to completely deny the existence of God.

It took me many years of searching and battling within myself, but I finally found contentment in agnostism. Basically, I can't prove scientifically whether God exists or not and I am OK with having no solid proof. 

I someone put a gun to my head and forced me to choose, I would choose that God exists. However, I have no solid proof of that. I have struggled with faith because it requires that you believe without having solid evidence. 

My solution is not perfect but I am content and believe in being a good person and trying to do good things and hopefully I will make it into Heaven. 

Saturday, April 20, 2024

Something to be thankful for

I wanted to write this to let you know how thankful I am for the little things like a supportive family and friends group.

You may not be aware of this, but back when I was much sicker and unable to take care of myself, we were at the point of putting me into what amounts to an adult daycare center where there are professionals who take care of you. 

What they do not provide is intensive therapy and rehab. So how you enter there is basically how you will stay. It is hard to make any progress. 

However, luckily I got to a point where we decided intensive therapy and rehab was the way to go. I am still not fully independent but I am making progress slowly but surely. Every small step forward is one step closer to returning to normality. 

I am very thankful for the help provided by my family and friends. I couldn't do this without you. I know one day, sooner or later I will be back to normal life again. I am slowly but surely beating this. Even if it takes me 4 more years, that is a blink of an eye in my total life span hopefully.

That's it for now, Tyler 

Thursday, April 18, 2024

My anniversary of being out of the hospital

I recently decided that today is my two year anniversary of being released from the hospital. I honestly don't remember the exact date, so today is as good a day as any.

I have made slow, small progress but it's progress nonetheless. I am grateful for everyone and everything in my life. 

My speech is improving slowly but surely as is my balance and I am no longer on a liquid diet. I still need thickener in my liquids to prevent liquid from going straight to my lungs but honestly it is not so bad. It doesn't taste great but there are worse things out there. 

I can shower and dress myself and prepare my own food despite having limited mobility. I can enjoy being with my wife and daughter. 

I am a lucky guy and I am thankful for everything I can still do and continue to do.

That's all for now, Tyler 

Tuesday, April 09, 2024

Thoughts about each country I have lived in

Now that I am back to blogging regularly I thought that I would share with you the overall experiences I had in each country that I have lived in. I will try to go in chronological order starting with Australia the first place I lived that was not the USA. 

Australia was a nice place for a young kid to start living away from home. They spoke English and were very friendly. I still have some good friends there. The biggest downside was that it was expensive and far away from home. 

Next, I moved to New Zealand. Again, everyone was very nice and it was very beautiful but it was also expensive and far from home.

After that, I moved to Colombia where I met Jenny and spent the next 8 wonderful years. I still have many close friends there and honestly I don't know if I would have ever left but Jenny wanted to be closer to her family in Spain.

Colombia is a great place if you don't have kids but raising children there is expensive and the education and health care aren't the best not to mention the security issues and petty theft. 

After Colombia, we made a pit stop in China for two years (Jenny a little less) overall I enjoyed my life there and I loved the chance to go cashless and pay for everything via the phone. However, the pollution and overcrowding sucks not to mention the strict government control. If I had to do it all over again I would try Singapore instead.

After China, we made the move to Spain. I got sick shortly afterwards, but we are happy here close to my in laws and childcare. The government takes good care of you. You do pay more in taxes but Healthcare and education are paid for by the government. So, you receive a lot of benefits from the higher taxes you pay. 

The education system is good, security is good and Healthcare is also good. The life style is overall relaxing and we are happy here and not planning on moving anytime soon. 

The biggest downside is that I am far away from my family and friends. However, I knew that when I married Jenny. It was not a surprise. Luckily, my family and friends can come visit us any time or vis versa. 

That's it for now, Tyler 

Monday, April 08, 2024

Random Thoughts

Now that I am back to actively blogging more, I wanted to share some random thoughts with you. I enjoy this blog because I can express myself through the written word and I don't have to speak which I currently struggle with.

Now on to the blog. I am turning 40 this year and my brother's are turning 37 and 30. My parents will be turning 70 and Eliana 4.

It amazes me how fast time flies. Some days I feel 39,some days I feel 18 and others I feel 99. My body doesn't always respond to my brain. But I am slowly but surely getting back to normal life.

I am truly a lucky man to have a wife and daughter who love me and family and friends who do too. 

Just remember, none of us know how long we have and we will all die eventually, so make every day count.

That is really all I wanted to say. Short and sweet. 

Take care, Tyler 

Thursday, April 04, 2024

A big thank you

I figured it was high time I thanked everyone who helped me when I was sick and I continues to do so. I couldn't do this without my friends and family being supportive financially and otherwise. I am truly a lucky person.

I want to especially single out Jenny, Eliana, my in laws and my parents and brothers. They have all been amazingly supportive throughout it all. 

Firstly, Jenny was 8 months pregnant when I got sick and I cannot imagine having to go through labor and delivery and having to deal with me being sick. She is the strongest person I know.

Secondly, my mom saw me at my worst when I was down to 112 lbs, on a liquid diet, wearing adult diapers because I couldn't control my bladder and I was having enemas and a cathater. Yet she stayed strong throughout it all.

My dad was my personal trainer while I was home in Texas. He was a huge help getting me into tip top shape. We went to the gym 5 days a week and I had a personal trainer named Michael. Between him and the stationary bike and swimming (until I fell down and broke my hand) I was in the best shape of my life. I felt 18 again.

My in laws have been amazingly supportive throughout all of this. Ferrying me to and from the doctor whenever I have appointments and taking care of Eliana. I am very lucky to have them. 

Eliana has also been great. She throws tantrums like any normal 3 year old. However, she is always eager to help me anytime I need it and she doesn't treat me any different than any able bodied father. I love her more than I can say and having her was the best thing I have ever done. 

I also want to thank all of the doctors and nurses and anyone who took care of me while I was sick. It has been a huge blessing that Spain has socialized medicine so I am not stuck paying medical bills for the rest of my life. I know they gave me the best care they could and for that I am thankful. 

I also want to thank my brother in law and two sister in laws. They have all been incredibly helpful with everything and I am very thankful for their support. 

I guess that's it for now, Tyler 

Tuesday, April 02, 2024

Current life goals

I wanted to update you dear readers on my current life goals. Goal number one is to be walking and talking normally again. It may seem simple but I can assure you that it is not. It is something that I used to take for granted but no longer.

Walking and talking normally really are miraculous. Secondly, I want to start working and being able to take care of my family financially so even if I have to do it from home. 

Thirdly, I want to give Jenny and Eliana the lives they deserve and I want to be the best husband and father that I can be. Both Jenny and Eliana have given me unconditional love and support (as have my family and friends) and I want to give some of that back. 

I am blessed and lucky beyond belief despite my physical challenges. I wouldn't change anything even if I could. Everything happens for a reason.

 I am very grateful to see another day and if I am lucky, I will have many more to come. However, even if I don't, I am thankful for the life I have already had.