A Beautiful Mind

I was just thinking today about my mind. When I was in the depths of my depression, I was completely numb emotionally. Nothing excited me or made me sad, happy or angry. I lost all of my motivation and only opened my eyes because it was an automatic reflex from my body.

However, now that I am off the antidepressant, I am getting back normal human emotions. I am starting to laugh again, feel sadness, anger, annoyance and joy. It is so nice to have made it through to the other side.

I am one of the lucky ones. Being put on the antidepressant, first restored my motivation and then it restored my ability to have normal human emotions. I never got to the point where I wanted to kill myself (although I did get to the point where I didn't even care whether I lived or died). Some people have the antidepressant do the opposite of what it is supposed to do. It can restore people's motivation, before it restores their emotional balance. So, in effect they get motivated enough to actually kill themselves. Luckily, for me, it was always to much effort to actually kill myself. 

I am also finally dreaming again. I recently dreamed about being in a Baskin and Robbins ice cream shop. I went to use my debit card to pay for the ice cream. The machine was thinking about my purchase. It didn't reject my payment for an invalid pin number, nor did it successfully complete my payment. During the time that I was waiting, my dad entered the ice cream store with a shotgun and said that he was there to kill an armadillo. Then, all of the customers ran out of the store. I woke up before I received my ice cream. 

Additionally, on the elliptical machine I have to use so much mental brain power to focus on my exercise. I have to use my mental power to visualize everything, command my body, do my one-two counting (to help synchronize my arms and legs) and focus on everything else. 

However, recently I have been able to put my brain on auto pilot and still do the exercise. It is such a relief to be able to do the exercise without focusing so hard on the actual exercise. I am finally able to let my mind wander. The best way that I can explain this is to think of my mind as a pressure cooker, which cooks via steam and pressure. The pressure gets released when you release the pressure valve. I feel like finally I am getting to the point where I can release the pressure valve of my mind. I no longer have to use all of my mental energy to synchronize my arms and legs.

Til next time, Tyler