My Depression

I originally posted this on Facebook but I thought I would include it here for posterity sake. I went through a very dark and depressing period when I was at my sickest. I got no joy out of life and I was not motivated to do anything. I didn't feel sadness or anger or annoyance or happiness. I was just numb inside and going through the motions.

I got on an anti depressant (which I am no longer taking) and now I am back to normal. I hope to never go through that again.

I also hope that none of you ever have to go through it. Remember, if you ever need anyone to talk to, you are not alone. I am just a message away.

I do not agree with someone's decision to end their life. I believe everyone has something to live for. The good times are good and the bad times don't last forever. 

I believe that suicide is a selfish and egotistical decision because you are ending your pain but leaving behind pain for your loved ones and friends. I am glad I never got to that point, but now I can understand firsthand why someone would choose to make the decision to end their life.

Til next time, Tyler 

Progress Update

It has been a little while since I have given you dear readers a progress update.

In a nutshell, my daily progress is slow and small but when I think how far I have come in the past four years my progress is huge and I am very pleased. 

I know this is a marathon and not a sprint. I will take any little progress that I can get. 

The constant swaying and stomach issues are gone thank God. I am very lucky to have a condition that will only continue to improve not get progressively worse. 

I still can't walk without assistance (either someone holding me or a walker or wheelchair) but my balance is coming along slowly but surely. I am hopeful that I will be able to walk again unassisted in the future. 

I had established a goal for myself to be walking unassisted five years from now. However, my physical therapist told me that it is better to have smaller achievable goals that you can actually measure rather than a distant goal in the future that you may not be able to achieve. 

My speech is coming along as well. I am mostly understandable now in both English and Spanish once you spend a little bit of time with me. I still struggle over the phone when you can't see my lips moving. 

My hands still shake uncontrollably when I get overly tired and my balance gets worse when I get overly tired. As long as I monitor my fatigue then I am generally OK.

I still need thickener added to my liquids but I use less now than before. I can eat any solid food that I want. I can have ice cream again. I couldn't have it previously because it was too liquid when it melted and it was in danger of going directly to my lungs. This is a slow going war against my condition but little by little I am winning.

I still have not been able to find work. Ideally I am looking for a job that I can do from home where I don't have to talk on the phone. 

I am willing to get a job outside of the house but because my mobility is limited, I prefer a home based job. However, nothing suitable has shown up yet. 

I am going to physical therapy four days a week and working at home on my own. I was going to government sponsored speech therapy once a week but it recently ended. They have authorized four more sessions but they have not started yet. 

At my lowest back when I was on my liquid diet, I lost weight until I was down to 110 lbs/52 kg. I am back up to 164 pounds/74 kg. My maximum weight was 168lbs/76 kg. So, I plan to stay between 160-168 pounds.

That is all for now, Tyler