Therisa

I don't speak about this often because it has been almost nine years and sometimes this subject is very painful for me. I had a dream last night though and I want to remember this dream so I am blogging it for my memory and also sharing it with all of you.

On September 13^th 2003 one of my best friends was killed in a car crash. Her name was Therisa Schmidt. We dated on and off in middle school and high school, shared a school locker together and just had your pretty typical teenage relationship. What I didn't realise at the time was just how much I really cared for her. I never found out the depth of my feelings for her until she had already died. She was not killed by a drunk driver or under the influence of any drugs. It was just a really bad accident. This made it all the much harder because I had no one to “blame”. Along with her two other people were killed in the car. The other two I didn't know that well but Therisa I sure did.

After she died I went through all the cycles of grief. I was in disbelief that something like this could happen to a beautiful, amazing 17 year old girl. She was near the top of our high school class and so smart! She had so much to offer and always a smile on her face. When you met her you just knew that she was one of those people who was going to make a difference in this world. I was so angry that she was stolen away from us. Angry at God,angry at the other driver involved, I just hated everything. Eventually though, the anger subsided and I realised that holding onto all that anger was not going to bring her back. Then I just really deeply, deeply missed her and wondered why it had to happen.

I was always looking for that “magic bullet” answer that would help me understand it all. Finally, after all that came the acceptance. I just realised that I was never going to know why she died. She just died and was not coming back. I really took comfort in that fact that she was in a much better place though. I took comfort in the fact that we had some amazing memories together and she had a great 17 years even though they were all too short. I still miss her all the time but I can look back fondly and remember the good times and not the bad times. There are some things I remember about the day she died I wish I could forget but I can't. Overall though 99% of my memories of her are happy ones. I think it really says a lot about a person and their character that they can still affect your life almost 9 years later.

The reason I am even writing this today is because two days ago would have been her 26^th birthday so I have been thinking about her a lot. What kind of person would she have become? What would she have done with her life? Would we still be in contact? I like to think so. Well right after she died I was having dreams about her very frequently. Some good and some not so good. These dreams would just not leave me, I have one personal regret involving her that I would dream about quite frequently. Just a lost opportunity. I had the chance to do something great with her and of course at the time I had no idea that we were going to lose her at 17 years old so I passed on it. If I could go back in time to any point in time it would be that night. I would change my stupid 17 year old mind and say yes instead of no.

Well eventually the dreams stopped coming. All the dreams except for one. For 9 years now, roughly about every six months I have the following dream: I am walking down the street and I see Therisa in front of me. She cannot see me but I know without a doubt it is her. I watch her for a minute and start to call out to her. She seems to hear me and starts to turn around, I am very excited because I will get to see her again and talk with her. But, before she can turn all the way around I wake up. I always wake up before we can reconnect. When I wake from the dream I am always left with a sense of profound happiness and peace for her but sadness for me that we cannot reconnect. It is always the same.

Well I woke up on the morning of June 16^th 2012 and after almost 9 years of her being gone I had another dream. My dream was that I was with her and we were dancing. I was holding her and we were talking. I was telling her how much I missed her. She told me also how much she missed me. For some reason she has her face buried in my shoulder. So once again I can't see her face. Even after all this time though, I remember almost every detail of her face and what it felt like to hug her. After a while I told her to excuse me please because I had to go to the bathroom. After the song ended we stopped dancing and I left for the bathroom. Once I was in there I started crying. I cried not because I was sad but because I was happy that after all this time we have got to hold each other once again.

Then I woke up. When I woke up I felt really happy to have this dream. Not sad, sad that she is still gone yes. But, happy that she is in a better place and I still have good memories of her.

For me this is deeply personal and I realise that reading this may not be everyone's cup of tea. I really wanted to remember this dream though, and I always told you my readers, that I was going to blog the good,the bad and the ugly. This is definitely a departure from my normal blogs but now you know a little something about a subject that has deeply affected and changed my life for the past 9 years and counting.

Happy late 26^th birthday Therisa. You are gone but never ever forgotten.

Tyler