I have only been a father once. It was later in life too. I was 35 when my daughter Eliana Valentina was born. I remember being very nervous, feeling unprepared and very relieved when she came home safe and healthy without any of my health problems (and Jenny also). Now that Eliana Valentina is almost six years old, this journey of fatherhood has had its ups and downs. However, my only regret is that I didn't become a father when I was younger and healthier.
I remember thinking as a kid, that my parents were old when they had me at 30 years old. They had the added burden of caring for a sick, premature, needy infant (me). All of this was in the pre internet age. I am forever grateful to my parents and in awe that they managed to keep me alive and happy. I have been truly blessed and lucky to have had a great life thanks to them, despite my health issues.
I was 35 when Eliana Valentina was born. The reason why I wanted so long to become a father is because I felt like I was unprepared for the responsibility of being a father. However, I have learned that you just have to take the plunge and do it. There is no amount of classes or training that you can do to get prepared.
For a long time, I thought that it was impossible for me to be an active participant in my daughter's life due to my limited mobility. However, I have come to realize (better late than never) that having limited mobility makes it difficult to be actively involved in Eliana Valentina's life. Difficult doesn't mean impossible though. There is a big difference between something difficult and something impossible.
Now, I am actively trying to participate in as many things as possible relating to my daughter's life, even if things are difficult for me due to my limited mobility. There are millions of good dad's with less mobility than me. I won't continue using my physical condition as an excuse. I want to actively bond with my daughter.
Jenny and I are not traditionally religious. I mean to say, that we are both Christians and we believe in God and Jesus. However, finding a church home here has not been possible as of yet. Most Spaniards who are traditionally religious are Catholics and we are not. I would not mind finding a church which only speaks Spanish (although English would be easier for me). I do miss the sense of community you find when you go to a church with like minded believers. That being said, I believe that God is in your heart and mind. As long as you believe the foundational truths then you will be OK. I took a pamphlet from my grandmother's church. It is entitled How to go to Heaven. It walks you through, step by step what you must do to profess your love and belief in God and Jesus. Eliana Valentina already goes to a Catholic private school. I know that she attends religious classes. However, the final destination of her soul for all time is not something that I want to leave up to chance. I want to know with certainty that I will see my little girl in Heaven one day (hopefully a long time in the future). I don't want her to be denied entry to Heaven only because I never took the time to explain things to her. However, I am waiting until her sixth birthday. I feel like by then she will be old enough to be able to make a clear headed decision about her faith. Like everyone, I am not certain that Christianity is the correct thing. However, I have faith that it is. Because logically one religion must be correct, which means that logically everyone else must be wrong.
Jenny and I are raising Eliana Valentina to be kind, caring, empathetic, patient, loving and friendly (among other things). She has all of my good qualities and I only unintentionally gave her one of my bad qualities. She is stubborn as a mule and so am I! However, I love her more than anything else in this world (and Jenny too) and I am determined not to repeat my past mistakes and to be a better husband and father. It might make me look bad, admitting all of this to you.
However, I can be average or mediocre at many things in life, however being a good husband and a good father is not something that I am willing to accept only the bare minimum anymore. For a long time, I thought because I was not actively abusing Eliana Valentina that was good enough. However, I now realize that it is not good enough. I able capable and willing to do better. I want to be as good of a dad as my dad has been to me. I want Eliana Valentina to know that I love her and that she is a priority to me. My past actions don't have to define my future actions. Both Jenny and Eliana have missed out on opportunities to do things because it is logistically impossible for me to do them. I no longer want that to be the case. For as much as possible, I want to participate in the activities even if they have to be modified for me. If I can't participate, I want both of them to do it alone without me. Eliana Valentina deserves a normal childhood. I didn't ask for any of this but she didn't either.
Til next time, Tyler
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