Since all of this started back in 2020, I have slowly but surely been getting back to normal life. I have been through the ringer health wise. I won't rehash all of my various health issues but needless to say, I have gone all the way from near death to pretty bad to ok and now I have moved onto being stable health wise. I am inching closer and closer to normality. I have been truly blessed and lucky throughout it all to have the support of my family and friends (and Jenny's family also). However, prior to coming back home to Texas in January of 2026, I really never pushed myself to get better. I mostly just let my body heal naturally.
I was not motivated to work hard on getting better because I didn't notice any progress. Because I didn't work hard to get better, I didn't make any progress. It was a big vicious circle. This was partly due to my lack of dopamine (the feel good chemical in your brain that gives you motivation, reward, drive and happiness). I had a lack of dopamine because of going through my depression and my body naturally produced less dopamine while healing from my tbi.
However, I can't blame my lack of motivation 100% on my lack of dopamine. I need to take some personal responsibility for my lack of progress. Luckily, I was able to naturally restore my level of dopamine through exercise. I was able to find my motivation to continue improving. Both for myself and for everyone around me. Because I know that my wife and daughter will not get to go back to normal life until I do. They have put up with enough. They don't deserve to be prisoners because of my health issues. If they have not given up on me, it would be unfair of me to give up on myself.
Prior to coming back to Texas, it was like I was sleep walking through life. I was alive but I was not truly living. I woke up every day but nothing really motivated me. Then, once I came back home, with my parents help, I managed to get out of my brain fog/zombie like state and I started exercising daily and forcing my brain to reconnect with my body.
My brain doesn't always reconnect with my body instantly, Everything takes longer and more patience than before. Nothing is easy or automatic anymore. Someone without a tbi can reasonably expect their brain to almost instantly identify a potential problem, then their body will respond almost instantly to avoid the problem.
However, it is different for me. Because I have damaged optical nerves due to the uncontrolled hydrocephalus, I don't see things well anymore. Even when I can see the potential problem, it takes me a while to see the problem and identify a potential solution. Nothing is easy or automatic anymore.
Let me give you an example, the other day I was walking with my walker to go to the doctor's office. I was going up the ramp, but it was blocked off in one direction. My mom immediately saw and realized that you couldn't get up the ramp in that direction. However, I first had to see that the direction was blocked off (no easy task due to my damaged optical nerves) then I had to recognize that you were unable to continue walking in the blocked off direction. My brain took longer than someone who doesn't have a tbi to recognize the problem and formulate a plan to avoid the problem.
I am only 41 years old. In my mind, I feel 41 years old. However, physically sometimes I feel 91 years old. With my limited mobility, everything is harder for me and everything moves slower. However, I am extremely fortunate not to be completely paralyzed or in a coma. Life is hard. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. However, I am grateful for every day that I have and for the things that I can still do. I have amazing family and friends and I still have so much to live for. I have no idea how long that I have left on this earth. But I plan on taking advantage of every day that I have left.
Til next time, Tyler
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